steverogers_awakening | (no subject)

(no subject)

I think about you all the time. I worry. I worry constantly. I wonder--do I have it in me to try to make you come home? Or at least to try to make you take shelter somewhere where I know you're okay?

I've started so many entries to you, doing just that. Using emotional blackmail. I'm pretty sure I know the words I could use to force your hand, but I always end up deleting them again. It wouldn't be fair, and it wouldn't be right, and I wouldn't ever be able to look myself in the eyes again.

But I'd know you were safe. Maybe knowing you're safe is worth becoming the kind of person I can't respect.

And maybe if I said any of this for real, I would have already crossed that line.

Be safe.

It's my fault, anyway.

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~~I need to be okay before I come home. I need to make sure you're safe from me.~~

ok

You know what, actually? Fine. I can't do this. If that means slamming my hand down on the nuclear option, then so be it.

I'm calling a PI, and I'm searching for you, and I'm not going to stop until I know you're not somewhere lost in your own head. And if that means we're not friends anymore, then fine. We're not friends. But this has gone on long enough.

You wouldn't let me run off somewhere and refuse to take medicine when I need it. I'm not going to let you do the same.

Found out I'm good at hiding.

Yeah, well, asshole, I'm not exactly helpless here.

You may have given up on me, but I haven't. I'm not.

I haven't given up on you. Don't ever say that.

I don't know that I can believe you. Is this- Are you-

Look.

Do you really believe you're Bucky Barnes? Or is this your way of hitting the nuclear button? Because if you're just, I don't know, out, then fine, okay, I'll stop. But if you're sick, I can't stop. I can't do it.

If I wanted to break up with you, I wouldn't pretend to have a fucking nervous breakdown to do it. I'm the Winter Soldier. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out if it's true or I'm just going crazy. I really don't think I am, but I don't know how to explain it. I also don't know if I can be trusted not to hurt someone, even you.

Then why isn't it safer to be somewhere where you can get help?

What kind of help is there for this? Go somewhere with straitjackets, where I can be contained? I'm not being imprisoned again.

I was thinking more along the lines of a counselor. You can come see mine; she's great.

What is she going to say? "How do you feel about being a brainwashed killing machine?"

That's a start!

No, she'll be calling the guys with the butterfly nets.

The heck she will. I'm not letting anyone hurt you, Buck.

Did you say that on purpose?

What? That I'm not going to let anyone hurt you? You should know that already. You know how I feel about you.

You called me Buck.

I

Oh

Steve?

I'm

I have to go.

Do you need me?

I have to go.

I understand.

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