(no subject)

[steverogers_awakening]

I think about you all the time. I worry. I worry constantly. I wonder--do I have it in me to try to make you come home? Or at least to try to make you take shelter somewhere where I know you're okay?

I've started so many entries to you, doing just that. Using emotional blackmail. I'm pretty sure I know the words I could use to force your hand, but I always end up deleting them again. It wouldn't be fair, and it wouldn't be right, and I wouldn't ever be able to look myself in the eyes again.

But I'd know you were safe. Maybe knowing you're safe is worth becoming the kind of person I can't respect.

And maybe if I said any of this for real, I would have already crossed that line.

Be safe.




It's my fault, anyway.

Comments

[winterscoming]

I haven't given up on you. Don't ever say that.

[steverogers_awakening]

I don't know that I can believe you. Is this- Are you-

Look.

Do you really believe you're Bucky Barnes? Or is this your way of hitting the nuclear button? Because if you're just, I don't know, out, then fine, okay, I'll stop. But if you're sick, I can't stop. I can't do it.

[winterscoming]

If I wanted to break up with you, I wouldn't pretend to have a fucking nervous breakdown to do it. I'm the Winter Soldier. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out if it's true or I'm just going crazy. I really don't think I am, but I don't know how to explain it. I also don't know if I can be trusted not to hurt someone, even you.

[steverogers_awakening]

Then why isn't it safer to be somewhere where you can get help?

[winterscoming]

What kind of help is there for this? Go somewhere with straitjackets, where I can be contained? I'm not being imprisoned again.

[steverogers_awakening]

I was thinking more along the lines of a counselor. You can come see mine; she's great.

[winterscoming]

What is she going to say? "How do you feel about being a brainwashed killing machine?" 

[steverogers_awakening]

That's a start!

[winterscoming]

No, she'll be calling the guys with the butterfly nets.

[steverogers_awakening]

The heck she will. I'm not letting anyone hurt you, Buck.

[winterscoming]

Did you say that on purpose?

[steverogers_awakening]

What? That I'm not going to let anyone hurt you? You should know that already. You know how I feel about you.

[winterscoming]

You called me Buck.

[steverogers_awakening]

I

Oh

[winterscoming]

Steve?

[steverogers_awakening]

I'm

I have to go.

[winterscoming]

Do you need me?

[steverogers_awakening]

I have to go.

[winterscoming]

I understand.